want

i want to end all social media, i want to hide, i want everything to stop and be better.  i want to feel like i belong somewhere, i want to feel connected.  i am lonely and insecure.

the captain goes down with the ship

so, on monday i see the va hospital for depression, i didn’t want to admit to myself (or my wife) that i was afflicted by this, again.  i struggled a lot with it when i was in high school, and thought i had beaten it with age; but it had resurfaced pretty bad.  i think it stems from the fact that, although i am going to school, i am 30 years old and have no clue what is ahead of me; i am scared of what the future holds but i am also unsure of who i am.  it is almost like i have no identity and i am floating aimlessly in a sea of confusion.  i didn’t want to admit it because it shows that i have no hold on anything, but i also fear being medicated to be “normal.”  that is why i never went on medication before, but the feeling of losing control is creeping up more and more.

reality

i’m 30 years old, been married for 7 years and have 2 children.  i have had a short stint in the army, and am currently going to college for my dream job.  i still feel like i have achieved nothing in my life, and have no clue who i am and i am whole-heartedly scared of tomorrow.

deeper down the rabbit hole

i am still feeling lost. i really don’t what to do. everything is going good, but i still feel like something is not there. i have lost a lot of interest in doing things i enjoy. i think i need to tell my councilor this tomorrow, i feel incomplete. i don’t know what it is.

lost in the woods

i feel lost and uncomfortable. i guess it is true what they say when you get out of my line of work, everything changes so fast you don’t know where you fit it. it’s like highschool all over again.

let that be enough- switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
‘Cause I feel so defeated
And I’m feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough