the little things kill

why the hell am i so depressed over something so little?  i just don’t understand!  it doesn’t seem fair to see people i know (in real life) move to a new state, while i am still stuck here.  even people i have not talked to in years, they get to leave while i am stagnant.  why does this affect me so much?

warning: contains language like shit and damn

so last night my eldest and i went to his first school function of the year, it was an outdoor movie and ice cream event.  it started good, he saw his teachers and the some friends.  when the movie began i noticed some of his classmates, the ones I know, were sitting up front.  so i want time him to have a good time, informed him that he could sit by his friends for the movie.  that’s when i lost my damn mind.

he was behaved up until when the main character was dancing, from that point on he didn’t sit down and was almost constantly screaming/yelling and in his friends’ faces.  i was too far from him to get his attention, and i wasn’t going to wade through people to get him.

when the movie ended i went up to him and informed him his behavior was not acceptable.  this went on for the 3 minute walk to the van.  here is where i feel shitty mcshitty parent, he told me that when i talk to him like this that he doesn’t want a dad anymore.  he’s only 5.  talk about instant regret. what the hell is so wrong with me that i make my 5 year old despise me?

this was only his second day of school, which he got in trouble for hitting kids already.

say a little prayer

ok, that last post was not true. still have no clue what i am going to do. the color is the love of my life. my amour. but right now i am lonely, and the shape has been giving me much attention.  i have always had a little something for the shape, even when i had found out that her life was a 180 from before.  her husband’s family thinks she is a whore, she barely speaks to her old friends.  i tried to be her unconditional friend, even when things that she had done made me cringe.  i have never stopped our relationship.

 

since we have been friends, i have never once contemplated ending everything with the color.  when our marriage was put off for three years, i stayed by her.  when she was depressed over her old friend dying, i was there.  heck, before we were even dated i went to her father’s funeral, that was a state away.  was there through everything.

 

i guess i am trying to rationalize why i am doing what i am doing.  trying to find a way to have both wolds without hurting anyone.  i know it does not work like that, and it will never be like how i am wishing.  there is nothing i can do to remain unscathed, but i cannot bring myself to do what i know needs to be done.  i was not lead astray, i was looking for another path to take.  i willingly, and desperately, sought to get attention from someone other than the one who i pledged my life to.  i don’t know if my motivation was simply to cheat, or to feel what it is like to live the other life.  dear God, take control, because i have no direction.

this secret is killing me

this is a hard life to juggle, i kind of knew it coming it.  but it is a little different for the fact that color and the shape know each other; and the shape sort of knows what going on.  she has told me that she could not hurt my wife (her husband is/was stepping out on her).  i guess she is a better person than i am.  i love my wife, as i had repeatedly stated.  i know there is more to marriage than relations, but we seem to have had more when we were not married.  i have tried, but it just seems like she is uninterested, too tired, or willing but can’t.  i really should convert to being old school mormon, that should fix it all.

 

i am probably blowing this way out of proportion.  the shape, more than likely, does not have as strong as feelings for me; and the color just might be going through something (she doesn’t sleep well).  god willing i get through this.