i stumbled down the path again
a wide track across desperate fields,
past looming mountains shrouded in shadow
i shambled down the path again.
i wandered down the road again
a meandering path through encompassing woods
past dreadful valleys veiled in secret.
i shuffled down the road again.
i lumbered down the pass again
a dark road winding around weeping rivers
past worried hills covered in dark
i staggered down the pass again
bare skin pirouette gently into a graceful chaine
her eyes in a pas de bourree as she looks at me
my heart beat releves to a sauté as her lips purse
en avant, an arriere; en avant, grand sauté, reverence
the waltz is not over, the dance has only begun
he walks with ghost shoes,
in the cold-deserted night.
searching with abandoned eyes,
and with nothing left to lose.
he mumbles in ghost talk,
through the dark valley.
opening his hollow mouth,
stammering in his walk.
he grabs with ghost hands,
touching at thoughts he can’t hold.
waving with ethereal arms,
just for someone to touch.
he waits with a ghost heart,
at the edge of what’s known.
unable to turn back around,
or slowly return to the start.
i have walked with her from dust until light
she has been my company for the chorus of night
we’ve watched the ebb and flow of water on shores
and she has guided me through uncertain doors
i have watched her help others down eternity’s road
her embrace is much colder than i remember
as i gracefully slip into a the longest december
(i don’t know if i am a nihilist or realist)
she will come to us
in a cold embrace
some she will allow dignity
others spared from grace
she will be there
holding our hand
time will slip away
before we can stand
one day i will meet her
i pray that i cannot run
i have no idea why i keep thinking about death and dying. i am afraid of it. i am afraid of my wife not being there, and of what i have always been taught is a lie. i want to believe in saint peter and the pearly gates, but i don’t know if i can. i used to embrace all things death related, but i am scared.
i saw this a couple of months ago, and it struck me.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools
trace the lines on your hand,
they spell out my name.
printed on your heart,
it all means the same.
i think things are going to change, at least i hope so. i know it will take change on my part, and i am willing to go through it. i do not want to hurt my wife, she is everything to me. without her i am half a person, half a man. she is the one i need, i want, and is mine.
i am a pretty simple man, pretty simple desires. i think it is no unreasonable for me to want certain things. while it is true that i am not home, and she is very busy being, basically, a single mom. i love talking to her, seeing her (via internet), but i don’t know if i can do this. women, it is said, respond to touch; but what happens when i cannot touch her, and my visual needs are not being taken care of. i do not believe she has to perform for me, i am not asking that. i am asking for her to give a little. kind of why i started with the shape. seems petty, because it probably is, but i am simple man with simple desires. do i feel guilty? yes, the worse guilt i have ever felt in my life. i also feel like a burden, or it is a burden to ask the color so these things, because she “has no sex drive, and has not had one for a long time.” i m not trying to make her look evil, she is not evil in the slightest; i know it has been a while since i have been home, but it is what it is. i always thought of myself as a faithful person, i hope this is just a test with lessons to be learned.
this life we planned out
means the world to me,
just too bad
it’s a world we’ll never see.
i could write it down
in verse and poetry.
but that wouldn’t bring it back,
won’t be the same for me.
look up at the sky,
tell me what you see.
because i’m waiting here,
lowered on bended knee.
my life as a worm 